[honesty time]

God works in mysterious ways I will never understand. We are not created to understand everything of him and that is why following God requires great faith. Despite this, our human tendency is to probe, question, doubt and dig until we have reached complete understanding. Here, I continually release my desire to understand, my need to know. Seeing anger, brokenness, poverty and despair around every corner in Haiti could leave one feeling hopeless and helpless. It would be easy to doubt God here. It is difficult not to question why this country is as broken as it is, but if I tried to find the answers I would end up frustrated and even more confused. In order to pick up my cross to follow Jesus, I have had to lay things down to lighten the load. It is a daily decision for me to lay down my need to know, desire to please others, and my fight for perfection. Picking up the cross means I pick up grace and leave behind my shame. I choose love instead of judgment, trust instead of worry, and hope instead of fear.

This has taken on a whole new meaning for me since being here. I could choose to be disheartened by the harsh conditions and darkness, but rather, I choose to see Jesus. I see grace and provision for my friend who lost her husband and raised three kids on her own while studying to be a nurse and now works multiple jobs so that her kids can get an education. I see hope for a child at the school who is learning three languages at the age of eight despite the trials he experienced before. As a whole, situations have seem hopeless, but looking closer I see so much grace and beauty in stories and all of a sudden hope springs up from what seemed barren. It is one thing to write about my experiences here, but it is a whole other story living it. Choosing to see Jesus and laying down my sinful nature is an everyday fight, but wow it is worth it.

There is beauty to be seen here, a new beauty I have never seen before. A beauty that is so hidden, on the outside it exudes hardness, emptiness and bitterness. But every time I let go of my instinctive nature that wants to accept this as reality, the Father gives me his eyes, his grace and his hope. Then suddenly the beauty emerges with a radiance that overpowers even that darkest of doubts.

[kiddos]

I spend most of my day at work with kids. Most of my morning is quiet, then around noon when the kids are released for lunch, the rest of the day is filled with kids wandering in and out, puzzles on my desk, lesson questions, chalk drawing and demands to take "fotos" on my camera. It has been two weeks and I can already tell you that I will learn more from these kids then they will learn from me.

These students have been through unimaginable things I would not wish upon anyone. But I have been able to get a glimpse of their hope. These kids are learning about Jesus everyday, and everyday they get  to experience family at the home and academy. Of course, they are still kids. They fight with each other, can't sit still in class, smile their cute smile to get what they want, and break things, but there is so much to learn in that. They teach me grace, patience and love in a completely new way I have never experienced before. It brings me so much joy to think about how Jesus looks at them when he sees them, and then I am reminded that he looks at me the same way.

Here, there is the obvious language barrier. The difficulty with the lack of language has shown me the importance of words. Okay, duh words are important, but I have a whole new appreciation for conversation and how it brings people together. However, with all of that said, I have also learned how building relationships is not limited to words.

Last week, Elisabeth and I went for a run down the beach outside the compound. Just when we were about to turn around to run back, we noticed a small soccer (or "futbol") game happening with the local kids. After a few minutes of contemplation, Elisabeth and I jumped over a small river and ran up to the mud field. At first the kids looked confused (getting stared at is a common thing here for us) but as soon as Elisabeth kicked their ball, it was on. We spent 30 minutes being schooled by kids under the age of 12, it was awesome.

I was reminded on our run back to base of God's love in that soccer game. How great is it that we serve the God who has no limitations, not even with language. It is easy for me to doubt my capabilities, especially here. It would be easy to accept defeat with sharing God's love since we can't speak Creole. But God's love is way bigger than words, it is best shared through actions. I pray that those kids got a taste of love from our laughter and high fives when they scored on us. That game reminded me that God's love truly has no boundaries. He can use any situation, conversation, or action for his glory, we only have to be willing. So when an opportunity presents itself to share that love, we just run in and go for it.

[bienvenue an ayiti]

This is my attempt to sum up my first week in Haiti...hang in with me here.

First of all, the Lord is already moving. In me and here in Haiti. It has been crazy, to say the least, going from the office hearing about the work being done internationally, to seeing it in the field. You can't drive through Haiti without seeing a Samaritan's Purse blue tarp being used as shelter, or a wall, from the earthquake five years ago. All the effort, time, energy and money really does make a difference, even still today.

For me, I can already tell this season will be one of growth. It takes stepping out of my "normal" life and into somewhere completely new, with no familiar faces around me, to realize all my faults. This week I have faced convictions I have always felt but have never been forced to deal with. I am hard on myself, I turn to other people for my worth, and I do not turn to the Lord when I should- rather, I try to handle it myself. I have realized how much easier it is for me to follow the Lord back home. I have my cozy breakfast while I read my bible (or praying I won't be late for work speeding down 321 because I woke up late), seeing beauty and encouragement in my community that loved and supported me, reading a Henri Nouwen book in a coffee shop and underlining every word, talking about Jesus with high school girls....the list could go on and on how easy it was for me to be reminded of Jesus at home. Here, it's just different, and because of that I have quickly become aware of the first person I turn to...myself. "Lauren, you need to learn Creole", "I have to find a solution to this problem", "I have to do a good job", "I have to make them proud", "Lauren, you already met that child why can't you remember his name?!" "Lauren don't mess this up". I'd like to think we all have been there too...at least I hope so.

With all of that said, wow I am SO thankful that my God is a good teacher, he is patient, kind, and reminds me of his presence even when I feel so far from it. I came into this internship a week ago ready to take on the challenge, determined to jump headfirst into a new, deeper understanding of Jesus in my walk with him. Now, in just 7 days, I have learned that for this to happen, God will break me, push me, and challenge me in a whole new way...and honestly he already has. It's hard to learn this way, but how else can God remove me from the picture so that all I see is him? 

With all of this said, it is clear I am here in Haiti working at the Greta Home and Academy for such a time as this. It is truly God's plan, and I love it. I love being by the ocean in the middle of winter, I love the team here (the people I get to live and work with), I love the grinning children that wander into the office just to say hello, I love the patience and smiles on peoples' faces when I speak broken Creole, I love watching the sun sink behind mountains and reflect over the water from base, I love the fresh fruit for breakfast, and I love that even though this is a lost, broken and hard place- there is beauty in it and glimpses of Jesus, you just have to choose to see it.

Yes, it is difficult, but yes it is very much worth it. 

Oh and yes...I also went snorkeling around reefs in crystal blue waters with friends and that was just super great.

Bon orevwa pou kounye a!

"being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins." Colossians 1:11-14