[honesty time]

God works in mysterious ways I will never understand. We are not created to understand everything of him and that is why following God requires great faith. Despite this, our human tendency is to probe, question, doubt and dig until we have reached complete understanding. Here, I continually release my desire to understand, my need to know. Seeing anger, brokenness, poverty and despair around every corner in Haiti could leave one feeling hopeless and helpless. It would be easy to doubt God here. It is difficult not to question why this country is as broken as it is, but if I tried to find the answers I would end up frustrated and even more confused. In order to pick up my cross to follow Jesus, I have had to lay things down to lighten the load. It is a daily decision for me to lay down my need to know, desire to please others, and my fight for perfection. Picking up the cross means I pick up grace and leave behind my shame. I choose love instead of judgment, trust instead of worry, and hope instead of fear.

This has taken on a whole new meaning for me since being here. I could choose to be disheartened by the harsh conditions and darkness, but rather, I choose to see Jesus. I see grace and provision for my friend who lost her husband and raised three kids on her own while studying to be a nurse and now works multiple jobs so that her kids can get an education. I see hope for a child at the school who is learning three languages at the age of eight despite the trials he experienced before. As a whole, situations have seem hopeless, but looking closer I see so much grace and beauty in stories and all of a sudden hope springs up from what seemed barren. It is one thing to write about my experiences here, but it is a whole other story living it. Choosing to see Jesus and laying down my sinful nature is an everyday fight, but wow it is worth it.

There is beauty to be seen here, a new beauty I have never seen before. A beauty that is so hidden, on the outside it exudes hardness, emptiness and bitterness. But every time I let go of my instinctive nature that wants to accept this as reality, the Father gives me his eyes, his grace and his hope. Then suddenly the beauty emerges with a radiance that overpowers even that darkest of doubts.